Role Call: The Best Moments from RHOBH

When you’re a little kid, staying home from school was truly awesome. You were waited on hand and foot, you got a cold or warm compress professionally applied by your mom, you had access to unlimited popsicles, chicken broth, Goldfish crackers, and you had nonstop Saltines on deck. Judge Judy on the reg. Montel reruns for hours. That’s the life, son.

Yesterday I stayed home from work so I could throw up in the privacy of my own bathroom and it was then I learned that being sick as an adult sucks ass. What began as a comfortable day in bed quickly degenerated into an all out battle to walk 14 feet to the kitchen so I could pour myself some room temperature Gatorade.  Have you ever had to make your own sandwich when you’re Robo tripping and physically unable to move your arms due to a high fever? It is torturous.

 

Even though my life was super sad yesterday, there was a silver lining. First, I got to masturbate 11 times, and second, I got to watch 12 hours of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” while going hard on a bottle of Xanies a la Brandi.

brandi

Being sick = a great excuse for getting barred out.

With all the incredible programming Bravo has been throwing in my face lately (i.e. Joanna “Prostitute” Krupa and Adriana “My True Language is Independence”  de Moura’s catfight) I had forgotten about the awesomeness of vintage “RHOBH”.

 

Allison DuBois + masturbating = the best sick day ever!!!

Take my hand and join me as I present to you THE BEST clips from every season of RHOBH:

the mermaidThe mermaid!

The shade of it all!

This bitch and her fucking bow top. UGH

This bitch really thought he could take on Lisa Vanderpump and Giggy? What an asshole.

 

No way!

It’s sad to laugh at this but…HAHAHA

THIS BITCH HAS MORE MONEY THAN JAY-Z AND SHE HAS TINSEL IN HER HAIR. THE FUCK?!

I am so into this slut.

I swear I say this like twice a week.

AND NOW FOR MY FAVORITE MOMENT FROM ANY HOUSEWIVES OF ANY SEASON OF ANY TIME…

stupid

What a dumb fucking cunt.

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