There are a grand total of six people in America who aren’t sad as fuck today about losing the $550 million Powerball. 1) and 2) the winners, 3) Jay-Z, 4) Beyoncé, and 5) Oprah.
I am so fucking rich!
Those are the obvious choices because, as we know, those bitches are PAID IN FULL. But there is someone out there luckier than the Powerball winners, classier than Beyoncé, better at throwing dinner parties than Oprah, and has GRAMMYs in their house than Jay-Z. Who is this mystery person?
I am so into this little European sex kitten I can’t even STAND TO LOOK AT HER FACE. She’s so perfect in every single way. From her fridge to her hot little daughter to the shade she throws at Adrienne and the Tweet she sent to Taylor that read: “I have nothing in common with her…but I hope she finds light and happiness”…she’s just everything. Sure her husband is gay and mean but who the fuck cares when your fridge looks like this:
Pictured: Ina Garten’s wettest dream.
Literally the only problem she has is that she has too many lemons. That is a major plot point of storyline. She planted too many fruit trees in her PRIVATE ORCHARD. What a hard fucking problem to have.
I can’t wait to see what this classy little tart has in store for us next week. And I truly hope she finds something to do with those lemons. Poor thing.