It’s that special time of the year again! I’m getting drunk at weird hours of the day on things like eggnog and Hot Toddies. I’m buying hate gifts for people that I don’t like but feel obligated to purchase wildly expensive presents for. My bank account has less money in it than an 8-year-old child’s piggy bank and I am living on a diet of foraged cookies and things made out of cheese covered in nuts.
I don’t know what you are but you’re surrounded by Ritz crackers thus I WANT YOU IN MY MOUTH.
The holidays are a rough time for anyone over the age of three. Christmas, in particular, is a holiday that preys on the weak and poor. You are surrounded by family members that think you’re a) borderline overweight, b) going to die alone, and c) not very good at cooking, decorating, hiding your pill addiction, etc. You are at your most vulnerable during Christmas. All the mistakes you’ve ever made in your life become glaringly obvious and thrown in your face for the duration of your holiday vacation.
These gifts aren’t even color coordinated.
I DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE.
With all the money you spent on presents to prove to your family that your job as a special needs dog walker is a solid career choice you’re now broke and dodging collection calls from the Kmart layaway department. Will Mom like that Mediterranean Crock Pot Casseroles cookbook you bought her? No, she fucking hates Mediterranean food and your crippling inability to provide her with grandchildren. Will your boss enjoy his novelty mini-golf putting green from “Sky Mall”? Not as much as he’ll enjoy firing you on January 3rd.
“Please don’t fire me. I have a degree in Liberal Arts. I am only qualified to operate dogs attached to wheels!”
Christmas is a time to look back over the last year and realize how much you fear change, how bad you are at following simple recipes and how incompetent you are at providing whimsical and magazine worthy DIY Pinterest decorations for your guests.
So even though it’s 11 a.m. on a Monday, raise your glass, cry in your office’s bathroom stall, and enjoy eating PB&J for lunch for the next week because we are all too poor to afford real food during the Holidays.
“I can’t even afford to eat the nice brand of wet cat food.”
Tomorrow I’ll provide you with an illustrated gift list for all the people you hate in your life that still need presents from you. Remember, the more you hate the person, the more money you need to spend on them.