Everyday there are millions of atrocities being committed all over the world. Children go to bed hungry. Israel and Palestine continue to play the real life version of “Risk”. Morgan Freeman has sex with his step-granddaughter. And I am 83% sure something bad is happening in Syria. And everyday, like the rest of the world, I turn my cheek. I go about living my sad, little life thinking to myself, “it doesn’t matter to me, it doesn’t affect me, so why should I care?” I’m not a monster. If I’m at the grocery store and the credit card prompt asks me to donate $1, $3, or $10 to a children’s hospital then muthafucker I’m gonna donate…$1.
I only perform acts of charity that involve my name being written incorrectly on a paper balloon.
But yesterday, the world suffered a crime that cannot be ignored. Yesterday the Earth stood still as Adam Levine opened up his barf hole and said this about “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child”: “That show is literally The. Worst. Thing. That’s. Ever. Happened. It’s complete fucking ignorance and the most despicable way to treat your kids,” he said. “Fuck those people. You can put that in the magazine: Fuck those idiots. They’re just the worst. Sorry, I’m so sensitive to that — like, I don’t know, man, it’s upsetting. Just to clarify, I said, ‘Fuck THOSE PEOPLE.’”
My thoughts exactly.
I’m sorry? Uh, I think I misunderstood you Adam…did you just tell Honey Boo Boo Child to go fuck herself? Did you, Adam Levine, the man responsible for literally every shitty song of the last 10 years, tell America’s beloved Child of the Honiest of all Boo Boo’s to go fuck herself? Because if you did, I’m going to drive to your giant mansion filled with Victoria’s Secret models, rip off your skin, mix it with a tub of Country Crock and a bottle of ketchup, eat that, and then make you listen to “Moves Like Jagger” while you sit in a bathtub filled with Mama June’s neck crust and rock salt soaking into your skinless body.
Oh, and just FYI I’m also going to dress up like Vincent D’Onofrio from “The Cell” and do weird things to your intestines.
Is that a little crazy? No. It’s not. When your love for Honey Boo Boo is as strong as my love is for that little sequined nugget of happiness and Welfare checks you will stop at nothing to protect her.
Look at what you’d done Adam Levine. LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!
Adam, you are a piece of shit. Honey Boo Boo isn’t telling national news outlets “She Will be Loved” is a song date rapists play before their date’s Rohypnol laced glass of Franzia kicks in, is she? When your glitter dusted, parrot wearing, sexual assaulting midget Sprite endorser and co-judge Cee Lo Green seems like a cooler guy than you, maybe it’s time to shut your mouth. Telling a seven-year-old girl to go fuck herself isn’t rock n’roll…it’s just fucking mean.
That’s the face I make every time Adam Levine comes on the screen and ruins “American Horror Story”.