Congratulations on Your Impending Gay Divorce!

Gay couples, rejoice! This election was a huge victory for gay America, black America, Latino America, America Ferrera, South America, Central America, stoned people in a few states in America and the rest of the world.

Mike and IkeProp. 982: Mike and Ike Protection Act finally passed!

Last night, more than half of America declared, “hey, I just realized it’s the year 2012. Maybe it’s a little weird to hold on to a belief system that was created by a bunch of men wearing powdered wigs and tights that kept black people in the back yard like dogs, forcibly removed 46,000 Native Americans from their homes*, and burned unmarried women on piles of sticks for being witches. And maybe it’s a little weird to decide that the nice gay couple that live next door with the fabulous window treatments and immaculate rose bush shouldn’t be allowed to marry because a fake book written 3,500 years ago tells us it’s not natural for two men to touch each others penises.”


You’re right. God is laughing. He’s laughing at your poncho.


Rest assured America, for the next four years, you can touch as many penises as you’d like…as long as you’re in one of the eight states that allow such a disgusting, ungodly act to take place.

So come one, come all, come out of the closet and into each others faces!


Everyone out of the closet except for Robert Sylvester Kelly. I never want his hip-hopera to end.

Before you label me as a leftist, commie bastard let me remind you that I too have fears and reservations about Obama. I know what happens when a black man is re-elected for a second term as President.

Deep Impact

Coincidence? I think not.


But for realsies, I’m proud of you America. And not just gay proud, but real person proud, too! If Americans have learned how to deep-fry Twinkies, Oreos, Snickers, and beer, then surely we can learn how to tolerate each other? Respect my beliefs and I’ll respect yours. Live, and let live. If you’re a straight man who doesn’t believe in gay marriage then DON’T GET MARRIED TO A FUCKING DUDE. But don’t stand in the way of my third gay marriage and subsequent divorce. After all, those ball gags on my Bed, Bath, and Beyond registry aren’t going to buy themselves.


“I warned you if you forgot to bring the 20% off coupon with us to Bed, Bath, and Beyond ONE MORE TIME there would be consequences!”



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