Goodbye 2012

It’s that time of year again. Time to determine my New Year’s Resolutions.  Considering the last two weeks of my life have been a Bacchanalian cheese filled gorge fest replete with peppermint flavored anything and everything, I think I’m going to try to be….ugh…healthy.

Man Eating

Can I get a small Diet Coke with that?

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Roll Call: The Most LOL Costumes from Miss Universe 2012

Last night, just two days before the world explodes, Cee Lo Green, Lisa Vanderpump, Masaharu Morimoto (wtf was he doing there), and some ancient Mayan Gods decided on a new ruler to lead the Universe into its next epoch. Miss USA, Olivia Culpo, was chosen as leader of the cosmos and harbinger of the end of the world as we know it.
Before the Mayan Gods come back to claim their land tomorrow by ripping our guts out through our assholes and throwing babies off cliffs or whatever, let’s recap the best costumes from last night’s shit show pageant hosted by Andy Cohen and an overly tan bobble head doll made by Gepetto.

 

Rancic

 ”I shall call her Giuliana Rancic.”

 

In no particular order here are the weirdest fucking costumes from 2012.

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LOLz with “Liz & Dick” Part 1: The Beginning

Liz & Dick, GIF

 

I’ve had to spend a few days collecting my thoughts about the Masterpiece Theatre train wreck that was “Liz & Dick”. Was it a sad performance from a frozen faced ginger bitch in a series of bad wigs or was it an art performance redolent of Allan  Kaprow? Was it a pathetic attempt at telling a beautiful love story or a fantastic piece of high camp? Did I love it? Did I hate it? Did I throw up in the middle of my second showing of the movie because I had to get incredibly drunk to sit through it?

 

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Role Call: The Best Moments from RHOBH

When you’re a little kid, staying home from school was truly awesome. You were waited on hand and foot, you got a cold or warm compress professionally applied by your mom, you had access to unlimited popsicles, chicken broth, Goldfish crackers, and you had nonstop Saltines on deck. Judge Judy on the reg. Montel reruns for hours. That’s the life, son. Read the rest of this story »

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Congratulations on Your Impending Gay Divorce!

Gay couples, rejoice! This election was a huge victory for gay America, black America, Latino America, America Ferrera, South America, Central America, stoned people in a few states in America and the rest of the world.

Mike and IkeProp. 982: Mike and Ike Protection Act finally passed!

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Happy Erection, I Mean Election Day, America!

Remember to get out there and vote! And then take your pants off in front of the Washington Monument and take a few beer bongs to the face just like our Founding Fathers would have wanted it!

America

AMERICA. FUCK YEAH!

 

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If you bought an expensive costume and live in NYC you’re probably thinking…

Stay safe and remember not to use up all your batteries charging your sex toys. And look on the bright side…at least next year you don’t have to spend $30 on overnight delivery for your last minute Honey Boo Boo costume wig.

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