Hell to the Nah: The Real Housewives of Vanderpump Rules

In many ways, Bravo is a douche-y, frat-y, date rape-y network where ‘no’ means ‘ok, sure’ and shows just slam together like particles in the Large Hadron Collider. I was giddy with excitement over the two-hour (!!!!) extended Real Housewives of Beverly Hills dinner party conclusion and the impending Eddie Cibrian (sp?) mistress confrontation. I quietly locked myself in my room as to remain uninterrupted and sunk into my bed, ready for the most exciting night of my life to begin.

I am so ready.

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Hell to the Nah: The Holidays

It’s that special time of the year again! I’m getting drunk at weird hours of the day on things like eggnog and Hot Toddies. I’m buying hate gifts for people that I don’t like but feel obligated to purchase wildly expensive presents for. My bank account has less money in it than an 8-year-old child’s piggy bank and I am living on a diet of foraged cookies and things made out of cheese covered in nuts.

Nut roll

I don’t know what you are but you’re surrounded by Ritz crackers thus I WANT YOU IN MY MOUTH.

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Hell to the Nah!: Adam Levine Slams Honey Boo Boo Child

Everyday there are millions of atrocities being committed all over the world. Children go to bed hungry. Israel and Palestine continue to play the real life version of “Risk”. Morgan Freeman has sex with his step-granddaughter. And I am 83% sure something bad is happening in Syria. And everyday, like the rest of the world, I turn my cheek. I go about living my sad, little life thinking to myself, “it doesn’t matter to me, it doesn’t affect me, so why should I care?” I’m not a monster. If I’m at the grocery store and the credit card prompt asks me to donate $1, $3, or $10 to a children’s hospital then muthafucker I’m gonna donate…$1.

charity

I only perform acts of charity that involve my name being written incorrectly on a paper balloon.

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Ah HELL to the Nah!

After 28 years of sticking his fingers inside a matted red bush, Kevin Clash has resigned as the voice of Elmo. As we’ve learned with past sexual escandalos when a trick resigns from his job it’s usually because some shasty shit is about to bubble up. I don’t blame Clash for resigning. It’s better to face a public sex scandal in the privacy of your own home where you are free to cry into boxes of birthday cake Oreos rather than show up to your job at a children’s show and face a room full of side eyes.

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