Hell to the Nah: The Real Housewives of Vanderpump Rules

In many ways, Bravo is a douche-y, frat-y, date rape-y network where ‘no’ means ‘ok, sure’ and shows just slam together like particles in the Large Hadron Collider. I was giddy with excitement over the two-hour (!!!!) extended Real Housewives of Beverly Hills dinner party conclusion and the impending Eddie Cibrian (sp?) mistress confrontation. I quietly locked myself in my room as to remain uninterrupted and sunk into my bed, ready for the most exciting night of my life to begin.

I am so ready.

Read the rest of this story »

Comment

Goodbye 2012

It’s that time of year again. Time to determine my New Year’s Resolutions.  Considering the last two weeks of my life have been a Bacchanalian cheese filled gorge fest replete with peppermint flavored anything and everything, I think I’m going to try to be….ugh…healthy.

Man Eating

Can I get a small Diet Coke with that?

Read the rest of this story »

Comment

Roll Call: The Most LOL Costumes from Miss Universe 2012

Last night, just two days before the world explodes, Cee Lo Green, Lisa Vanderpump, Masaharu Morimoto (wtf was he doing there), and some ancient Mayan Gods decided on a new ruler to lead the Universe into its next epoch. Miss USA, Olivia Culpo, was chosen as leader of the cosmos and harbinger of the end of the world as we know it.
Before the Mayan Gods come back to claim their land tomorrow by ripping our guts out through our assholes and throwing babies off cliffs or whatever, let’s recap the best costumes from last night’s shit show pageant hosted by Andy Cohen and an overly tan bobble head doll made by Gepetto.

 

Rancic

 ”I shall call her Giuliana Rancic.”

 

In no particular order here are the weirdest fucking costumes from 2012.

Read the rest of this story »

Comment

Panty Dropper(s): The Men of RuffRoad

Do you people know about @Ruffroad  on Instagram? It’s nothing but pictures of beef stuffed man muscles posing in front of mirrors wearing beanies and covered in beads of sweat. In other words: it is GOOD.

Read the rest of this story »

Comment

Hell to the Nah: The Holidays

It’s that special time of the year again! I’m getting drunk at weird hours of the day on things like eggnog and Hot Toddies. I’m buying hate gifts for people that I don’t like but feel obligated to purchase wildly expensive presents for. My bank account has less money in it than an 8-year-old child’s piggy bank and I am living on a diet of foraged cookies and things made out of cheese covered in nuts.

Nut roll

I don’t know what you are but you’re surrounded by Ritz crackers thus I WANT YOU IN MY MOUTH.

Read the rest of this story »

Comment

Fuck, Marry, or Kill: One Direction

As a functional adult human over the age of 16, I have little knowledge of the super group sensation One Direction. I don’t listen to the radio and for legal reasons I try my best to avoid spending time with teenage girls and as such I avoided what Huffington Post described as “the year of One Direction.” I’ve really tried to avoid pop saturation this year. I’ve never heard “Call Me, Maybe” all the way through and I cannot name more than one Rihanna song with the word ‘diamond’ in the title. Oh, actually I was just told that every Rihanna song now how the word ‘diamond’ somewhere in the title. My point is, I’ve tried really hard to stay uninformed, to remain untainted by the mythical wonders that are One Direction. So what happened when my co-worker told me there was a video that I just had to watch? My life took on a new direction…One Direction.

One Direction

Omigod they are so zany!

Read the rest of this story »

Comment

Hell to the Nah!: Adam Levine Slams Honey Boo Boo Child

Everyday there are millions of atrocities being committed all over the world. Children go to bed hungry. Israel and Palestine continue to play the real life version of “Risk”. Morgan Freeman has sex with his step-granddaughter. And I am 83% sure something bad is happening in Syria. And everyday, like the rest of the world, I turn my cheek. I go about living my sad, little life thinking to myself, “it doesn’t matter to me, it doesn’t affect me, so why should I care?” I’m not a monster. If I’m at the grocery store and the credit card prompt asks me to donate $1, $3, or $10 to a children’s hospital then muthafucker I’m gonna donate…$1.

charity

I only perform acts of charity that involve my name being written incorrectly on a paper balloon.

Read the rest of this story »

Comment

Winkie of the Week: Prince William’s Spotted Dick

The editors of every celebrity gossip magazine in the world are pissing their panties with excitement over news of the blessed British royal unborn child savior that will soon pop out of Kate Middleton’s immaculately pruned rose bush. Which is pretty fucking retarded considering they have claimed she’s been pregnant for the last three years.

Kate Middleton Pregnant, Alone?
Yay! She’s finally pregnant! But she’ll always be alone…
Comment

Panty Dropper: Yolanda Bananas Foster from RHOBH

There are a grand total of six people in America who aren’t sad as fuck today about losing the $550 million Powerball. 1) and 2) the winners, 3) Jay-Z, 4) Beyoncé, and 5) Oprah.

O

I am so fucking rich!

Read the rest of this story »

Comment

LOLz with “Liz & Dick” Part 1: The Beginning

Liz & Dick, GIF

 

I’ve had to spend a few days collecting my thoughts about the Masterpiece Theatre train wreck that was “Liz & Dick”. Was it a sad performance from a frozen faced ginger bitch in a series of bad wigs or was it an art performance redolent of Allan  Kaprow? Was it a pathetic attempt at telling a beautiful love story or a fantastic piece of high camp? Did I love it? Did I hate it? Did I throw up in the middle of my second showing of the movie because I had to get incredibly drunk to sit through it?

 

Read the rest of this story »

Comment